One More Absence And You Could Be Terminated

Posted on August 26, 2008
Filed Under Care, Firsts, Mistakes, Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

my boss sat me down yesterday and gave me a formal warning about my attendance. in all honesty, i was kind of expecting something to be said about it due to the fact that i am frequently sick. the thing that really surprised me was that this entire time i thought that making up the time by working late the next couple of days or working on a saturday negated the fact that i was absent because i was getting my work done. apparently i was in the wrong. they want someone who consistently shows up to work every day. at this point with my current health status i dont know if i can do that and am really worried about losing my job. depression and immunity are intertwined and unfortunately very unpredictable - thats why its called a disability. they have asked me to get with my doctor and come up with a plan to help with the anxiety attacks (i think because they finally witnessed the full blown one last week) and come up with a plan to try and improve my health. last september my doctor told me that i should go to a rheumatologist because my sedimentation rate was high and i had been getting sick over and over again. i sort of stuck my fingers in my ears and decided that i just didnt want to know anything more about anything that could be wrong with me. its enough to have 4 major health problems, i dont need another one. but now i guess i am forced to find out what is wrong and come up with a plan to start feeling better. in all honesty i was hoping that they would just understand that immunity in depressed people is f uped and try to accommodate me by flexing my schedule when i get sick. i thought thats what they were supposed to do but in all honesty i am now swimming in unknown territory. i will play by their rules right now and provide them with the doctors information they are requesting since they have been so accommodating in the past. im just hoping that in the mean time, that if the “you have one more unexplained absence and your terminated rule” is just a threat and wont become a reality. its not like i am playing hookie here people, i have been legitimately sick. im never 100% even several days after a sick day. when i come in after being sick most people dont even want to be around me because i look and sound so horrible and they dont want to catch anything. im worried and dont know what to do. i will be doing some research on this level of accommodation because right now i know that my only weapon at this point is knowledge. i will share the information i have gathered with you bloggers because i GUARANTEE you, if you have depression, you WILL run into this issue at some point with your employer too.

Full Blown Shut Down, Stare Into Space, Drunken Body Movements Panic Attack

Posted on August 22, 2008
Filed Under Care, Firsts, Jasper, Mistakes, Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

i had an anxiety attack at work yesterday. i dont have normal oh my god im going to die, my heart is going to explode, cinematic anxiety attacks, i have shut down zombie stare at the walls, absolute brain and body shutdown attacks. i had no medication available since i took it to go to the dentist on monday and forgot to refill my bag and liame was not trained to help me like jasper is. when i finally made it to the ground liame came over to me, tried to play with me for a couple of minutes and then decided he had other things to concentrate on. it took me a long time to come out of it enough to be able to just pack up my things and head home. liame practically dragged me out of the building, stumbling and bumbling all the way like some drunk trying to walk the line. ive had attacks at work before but thanks to medication and jasper i have never gone into a full blown shut down, stare into space, drunken body movements panic attack. it was weird that no one said anything to me while it was happening but i could tell that people were staring. i still cant help but be embarrassed by it.

Yet Another Blow

Posted on August 17, 2008
Filed Under Care, Jasper, Things That Make Me Want To Cry | 1 Comment

we were dealt another blow yesterday. jasper was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. for the last several months he has been panting without exertion. we thought it was the heat getting to him so we bought him an air conditioner so that he would be comfortable in the house during his retirement. a couple of nights ago, while the ac was running and it was a comfortable 72 degrees in the room, i saw jasper breathing fast while he was asleep. the same day, i noticed jasper coughing after he barked. having the semi quasi medical background that i do, i knew those symptoms meant that he probably had congestive heart failure and immediately made an appointment with the vet. his xrays confirmed that his heart was indeed enlarged and he had fluid in his lungs. the doctor said that if he didnt respond to the medication he had 3-6 months left but that if he does he could have 2 years. i really dont know how to feel right now.

Maybe He Will “Magically” Pick Up On My Mood

Posted on August 11, 2008
Filed Under Firsts, Jasper, Mistakes, Things That Make Me Want To Cry | Leave a Comment

i fear the dentist so much that i literally get sick the day before going to the dentist, the day of the appointment and the day after the appointment. i was tortured by my childhood dentist who would never believe me that one shot of novacane was never enough to dull the pain of the drill. normally i bring jasper with me even though i am medicated since he tends to provide a calming influence when i am panicked and can sit in the corner when i am not. i remember the last time i got a cleaning it started hurting a bit and i started to get nervous and hyperventilate. i had my headphones on and was trying not to go into full blown panic attack when the hygienist stopped what she was doing and tapped me on the shoulder and said, “your dog is acting funny”. i didnt have time to even respond to the comment because at that very moment jasper stuck his big old wet nose under my hand and forced it up in his way that says “pet me mommma”. i will never ever ever forget that moment for the rest of my life because he was never trained to respond to the type of panic attack i was having. i was having a heart racing, im going to die panic attack and he was trained to deal with the zombie panic attacks i normally have (where i dont freak out, i just shut down and stop functioning). although i didnt specifically train him for this type of panic attack, i think he was able to associate my normal pre panic attack behavior with this panic attack and respond in the manner he was trained to.

i took liame with me to the emergency dentist appointment i had today. i wish i could say that he did the same thing jasper did but he didnt. i went into full blown im going to die, crying like a small child panic attack mode and liame just sat in the corner doing nothing. liame did nothing because i havent trained him to do anything yet. most of the specialized training that i have to do with him cant really happen until he is a bit older. right now we are still working on dont eat everything you see on the sidewalk and dont jump up on people. according to the trainers i have spoken with at guide dogs, they dont start specialized training until around a year and a half old because they have to learn socialization and basic obedience in order to lay the foundation for the more advanced training requirements. in all honesty there was a little part of me that hoped that liame would somehow “magically” pick up on my panic attack without any training but obviously that was a foolish idea, these dogs really do need to be trained.

More Details About The Diagnosis

Posted on July 18, 2008
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apparently there is sclerotic bone on the MCP and a step (where the coronoid process is higher than normal). the doctor recommended rest, low impact exercise (swimming), keeping giving him the glucosamine chondroitin i currently have him on and to keep him slim. i asked about flax seed oils and he said it sounded OK. im thinking i might give him coconut oil too because it has been shown to reduce inflammation. infact i am thinking about changing his entire diet to a raw only diet. ive heard that in general they are very good for dogs but know nothing about how it might affect his FCP. this is the raw diet i will be feeding him

Weve Been Dealt A Devastating Blow

Posted on July 17, 2008
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weve been dealt a devastating blow. quote from the note the doctor says “his elbow films are suggestive of some mild elbow dysplasia.” personally i wouldnt call limping after a 15 minute walk “mild,” the doctor didnt have time to talk with me about the diagnosis and a treatment plan because he had to head into surgery but from what i could get out of the nurse the type of dysplasia was FCP (fragmented medial coronoid process). i spent a good hour in the car crying yesterday.

Going To See The Specialist

Posted on July 15, 2008
Filed Under Care, Clubs And Organizations, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

tomorrow i take liame in to be evaluated by a specialist about his leg. he is still limping on despite large bouts of rest and crating. it seems to act up after exercise and when first rising. he will limp for a few seconds and then be back to his old puppy self jumping at jasper, play bowing and leaping down the stairs. his foot turns out like a duck, which i hear isnt a good sign. i was going to go back to my vet to get evaluated and then go to a specialist but decided to head straight for the specialist. i didnt want to have to put liame out for 2 sets of xrays because my normal vet didnt get the right angle needed or have to put him out for xrays at the normal vet and then mris at the specialist. since i am not dealing with insurance i might as well go right to the head honcho who can tell me what is going on immediately. i hear the service dog club i am interested in joining wont certify dogs with hip or elbow problems. man, thats going to really suck if i cant get the paperwork to certify my little guy. i want liame to be official with real licensed paperwork. ive sort of been having anxiety attacks over this entire situation (money for the surgery, not getting official paperwork and the possibility i wont get 10 good years out of this guy). im trying to tell myself that its all going to work out OK, but each time i see him set down with his paw turned out i get another reminder about the reality of the situation i am about to get myself into. im in love with this guy and i hope they can do something for him.

The Grim Reality

Posted on July 5, 2008
Filed Under Jasper, Things That Make Me Want To Cry | Leave a Comment

this morning i woke up to the sound of jasper screaming in pain. i had no idea what was wrong with him. i started massaging all over his body to see if he had anything obvious going on but could find nothing. he was in no hurry to sit or lie down, something very unusual for him. so within about 15 minutes of the original howling session, we made an emergency appointment with the vet. they checked him over, he was showing no obvious signs of pain and declared that they had no idea what was wrong with him and to monitor him throughout the day to see if some other symptoms developed. he seemed rather groggy but that was nothing unusual since i had to give him a vallium to get him through the 4th. so instead of going to the store or gardening in the backyard i stayed around the house all day to monitor him. i told him on several occasions that he couldnt have anything wrong with him and he was not allowed to die. it seems to have worked. :) i hope i never ever ever have to hear him in pain like that again. unfortunately the entire episode highlighted the fact that at some point, he will no longer be here. i hope that day comes later rather than sooner because it is going to throw me in such a deep depression that i dont know if i will ever be able to come out of it. sometimes i think i love that dog more than i love myself.

A Younger, Less Experienced, Cheaper Model

Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under Jasper, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

today i feel like i am outsourcing, like somehow i am downgrading the level of service that i receive from jasper in exchange for a younger, less experienced, more energetic and cheaper model. i feel a bit like i am betraying him. i know, i know, it has to happen but it doest make it any easier.

i almost didnt go to work today. i feel like crap. im glad liame and jasper pushed me to finally get my but out of bed but i dont know how much longer i can keep fighting this episode. all i want to do right now is lock myself up in a closet and stare at the walls. i havent felt like this in a long time. im trying to push through this, hoping its just a temporary set back, that somehow if i just wait long enough and keep exercising and eating right that i can work my way out of it. my meds have been upped to their max and i dont want to be put on another medication just to experience its roller coaster ride. im going to ask my doctor if there are any nutritional supplements that i can take that wont interfere with my current medication load.

The Fog

Posted on June 2, 2008
Filed Under Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

i am feeling the fog coming again.  today i stayed home from work hoping to kick it in the buttocks hoping maybe that i was getting sick rather than having an episode.  it didnt seem to work.  i feel like crying.  its got me worried about the canine studies program i was accepted into.  how am i going to be able to hold down a full time job, go to canine studies classes, go to puppy classes, go to service dog meetings and keep my house clean all at the same time?  how in the world do people with depression raise kids.  i cant even keep it together enough to raise a dog, keep a job and go to classes.

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