Yes, I Frequently Give Commands To Random Strangers

Posted on February 13, 2009
Filed Under Mitigating Symptoms, Service Dog Laws, Things That Make Me Smile, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

today i stopped off at home depot and got a few things for the fountain i am making for the back yard. after picking up some office supplies at the office store i dropped into the starbucks world headquarters and had lunch in their cafeteria. liame brought a lot of attention to us and it seems like every single second that i am in a publi place i am not focusing on the moment but my desire to escape the situation. people come up to me all the time at the grocery store, walking down the street, on the bus, etc and i WANT to be able to talk with them but in all honesty all i really want to do is run away. its like this war rages inside of me every time i go out in public. logically i know im not going to get hurt or people are going to make fun of me or anything bad is going to happen but all i want to do is not be there in that moment. i give one or two word answers to their questions and avoid their obvious attempts at conversations. i appear so normal sometimes to those who i have grown accustomed to but in all honesty the social anxiety is always there, under the surface waiting to rear its ugly head while i fight it back tooth and nail. i did have one redeeming moment though. i was in an elevator with a bunch of starbucks employees and told liame to sit. a guy turns around, looks directly at me and genuinely asks if “sit” was meant for him. i chuckle, look down at the dog, look back up at him and say, “yes, i frequently give commands to random strangers” which generates a large laugh in the elevator. i get that response often when giving liame commands and i think i am going to have to use that line again sometime.

Sayonara

Posted on January 5, 2009
Filed Under Firsts, Major Steps, Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

i got to work today all excited to tell everyone that i had my fist vacation in years where i didnt spend at least half of it sick. instead i come in, settle down and got the long walk to HR. yup, i got laid off today. as you can gather from my previous posts its not like i didnt see it coming. i tried desperately to turn todays negative into a positive and went home, changed into service dog academy clothing and went to the dog park. the high it gave me worked for a couple of hours. ive been up for a while now and i think the reality of the situation is finally hitting me.

Another Sign?

Posted on September 26, 2008
Filed Under Clubs And Organizations, Mitigating Symptoms, Service Dog Laws, Things That Make Me Smile | Leave a Comment

here was the fortune of the second fortune cookie of the two ones i received today. this one states “you could prosper in the field of medicine”. OMG! even though I am training dogs it still falls within the field of medicine because I will be helping people attain a dog to assist them with their medical disability. spooky.

One More Absence And You Could Be Terminated

Posted on August 26, 2008
Filed Under Care, Firsts, Mistakes, Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

my boss sat me down yesterday and gave me a formal warning about my attendance. in all honesty, i was kind of expecting something to be said about it due to the fact that i am frequently sick. the thing that really surprised me was that this entire time i thought that making up the time by working late the next couple of days or working on a saturday negated the fact that i was absent because i was getting my work done. apparently i was in the wrong. they want someone who consistently shows up to work every day. at this point with my current health status i dont know if i can do that and am really worried about losing my job. depression and immunity are intertwined and unfortunately very unpredictable - thats why its called a disability. they have asked me to get with my doctor and come up with a plan to help with the anxiety attacks (i think because they finally witnessed the full blown one last week) and come up with a plan to try and improve my health. last september my doctor told me that i should go to a rheumatologist because my sedimentation rate was high and i had been getting sick over and over again. i sort of stuck my fingers in my ears and decided that i just didnt want to know anything more about anything that could be wrong with me. its enough to have 4 major health problems, i dont need another one. but now i guess i am forced to find out what is wrong and come up with a plan to start feeling better. in all honesty i was hoping that they would just understand that immunity in depressed people is f uped and try to accommodate me by flexing my schedule when i get sick. i thought thats what they were supposed to do but in all honesty i am now swimming in unknown territory. i will play by their rules right now and provide them with the doctors information they are requesting since they have been so accommodating in the past. im just hoping that in the mean time, that if the “you have one more unexplained absence and your terminated rule” is just a threat and wont become a reality. its not like i am playing hookie here people, i have been legitimately sick. im never 100% even several days after a sick day. when i come in after being sick most people dont even want to be around me because i look and sound so horrible and they dont want to catch anything. im worried and dont know what to do. i will be doing some research on this level of accommodation because right now i know that my only weapon at this point is knowledge. i will share the information i have gathered with you bloggers because i GUARANTEE you, if you have depression, you WILL run into this issue at some point with your employer too.

Full Blown Shut Down, Stare Into Space, Drunken Body Movements Panic Attack

Posted on August 22, 2008
Filed Under Care, Firsts, Jasper, Mistakes, Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Want To Cry, Todays Mood | Leave a Comment

i had an anxiety attack at work yesterday. i dont have normal oh my god im going to die, my heart is going to explode, cinematic anxiety attacks, i have shut down zombie stare at the walls, absolute brain and body shutdown attacks. i had no medication available since i took it to go to the dentist on monday and forgot to refill my bag and liame was not trained to help me like jasper is. when i finally made it to the ground liame came over to me, tried to play with me for a couple of minutes and then decided he had other things to concentrate on. it took me a long time to come out of it enough to be able to just pack up my things and head home. liame practically dragged me out of the building, stumbling and bumbling all the way like some drunk trying to walk the line. ive had attacks at work before but thanks to medication and jasper i have never gone into a full blown shut down, stare into space, drunken body movements panic attack. it was weird that no one said anything to me while it was happening but i could tell that people were staring. i still cant help but be embarrassed by it.

Mommy, Mommy!!! TODAY IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

Posted on June 23, 2008
Filed Under Mitigating Symptoms, Tips and Tricks | Leave a Comment

i am still having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning due to the cycle i am in. because i sometimes sleep on the couch downstairs and dont have to lock liame in his crate all night i have been able to train liame to hop up on top of me and lick my face when the alarm clock goes off. but sleeping in my normal bed i have to lock liame up in his crate at night because there is no way to keep him inside our bedroom during the entire evening without preventing the kitty from having access to her litter box. i dont exactly know just yet how to work around this issue. i will post an answer when i figure it out. oh and as of saturday liame now thinks that when the phone rings, its the alarm clock going off and its time to hop on mommy and wake her up. although it wasnt cute when i was trying to get a nap on saturday, now that i think about it it might be a good thing to train for since we dont get a lot of telemarketer calls.

Biking Into Work

Posted on June 21, 2008
Filed Under Firsts, Mitigating Symptoms, Toys | Leave a Comment

yesterday liame and i biked into work in preparation for jaspers eventual retirement in a couple of weeks. i know in order to get through this depressive cycle i am in, i need to get more exercise. biking to work is part of the solution to my exercise needs.

last week i purchased a “croozer dog” bike trailer to pull liame in (see link above). i chose this trailer due to its ability to handle a 100lb dog, something none of the other trailers currently on the market can do. currently liame fits in it rather nicely (since he is only 50lbs and still only 6 months old).

he didnt seem to have any problem riding in it, infact when i checked in on him during our 30 minutes trip, he was lying down yawning. getting him into the trailer was a bit of a challenge though. inorder for him to hop into the thing i had to get out the great motivator - string cheese. i threw it into the trailer and zipped it up while he was munching on it. the only thing that i need to warn people about is the fact that with a dog moving around in the trailer, a kickstand isnt enough to keep the bike standing, you need to have some other method of supporting your bike while your dog is in the trailer. although when the bike did eventually fall over it didnt flip the trailer with liame in it - thank god.

with the high gas prices, the ability to reduce your carbon emissions and the need for regular exercise i would like to encourage all of you to bike to work during the summer months.

Puppies Under My Desk

Posted on June 17, 2008
Filed Under Mitigating Symptoms, Things That Make Me Smile | Leave a Comment

prior to today i had jasper’s bed to the right of me and liame’s to the left but liame kept hopping out of his bed to go lie on top of my feet.  in order for him to lay on my feet he would have to squeeze himself under a shelf under my desk and trample over some cords.  since i have been having a bad couple of weeks i decided that i needed a bit more physical contact with liame during the day but needed an easier way for him to access me.  i spent about half an hour this morning removing the industrial shelf under my desk that i used to put my feet on.  it gave me just enough room to put liames bed directly into my footspace.  so now he gets to lie comfortably in his bed, keep his feet out of the way of the rolling chair wheels and gets to put his head on my feet.  its already making me feel all nice and squishy inside.